I have lost complete control of my life. I don’t know who I am anymore. And I don’t know why I stick around. He treats me like total crap. Comes home with “mysterious” scratch marks all on his back and a few hickies on his neck. I noticed the scratches this morning while rubbing his back. Took my phone and used the light to look. Confronted him and he played stupid. Went to the bathroom and noticed the hickies. Again confronted him. He tried saying they were from me. I don’t leave hickies. Not my thing. The scratch marks are only on the left side of his back…but who knows. And then tonight while watching one of our shows…he said something and I looked at him out of the corner of my eye and smirked…i didn’t find what he said to be all that funny…so he thought that I glared at him. He called me a fucking cunt and told me that I am sitting on his couch watching his cable under his roof and if I want to act like that then I can go to our room. Hm. Way to make me feel like a child. I’m lost. I love this man. But how can I love someone so much after four years of him lying and cheating and hateful outburst like that towards me. My son nor I deserve any of it. I’m just so lost. I want to go back to when I was pregnant. Things were better then. He treated me so much nicer. I feel all the love in my heart slowly but surely turning into serious hate. I don’t want to hate him. I’m just so lost. I just don’t know anymore. And I know he doesn’t love me or even want to be with me. He’s been done but because I want it to work out so badly he stays with me and also for our son. I just want to be loved the way I love him. The way I care about him. I may be “mean” sometimes…but I have every right to be. I think. I just want answers. The truth. But I’m not even worth that anymore.
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